HELP FOR THE HOME
(“God’s Design For Husbands”) (II)
Ephesians 5:22-33 (NASU)
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” (Ephesians 5:25)
A MARRIAGE MADE IN HEAVEN
(1) The idiom about, “a marriage being made in heaven”, refers to the notion that two people (or two things) seem to be ideally suited for each other – that they appear to be a perfect combination.1 For example, in the business world a successful merger between two companies might be called “a marriage made in heaven”,1 because the corporate union is so mutually beneficial – while in football, an especially productive quarterback-receiver duo might be referred to as “a marriage made in heaven”, because they work together so well.
(2) Scripture tells us the institution of marriage really has been made in heaven. In other words, God “invented” marriage (if you will) – He established the institution of marriage, between one man and one woman. Moreover, He did so right from the start of human existence – during the sixth day of creation. Hence, in Genesis chapter two God says: “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him” (c.f. Genesis 2:18) – whereupon, we’re told He “fashioned … a woman … and brought her to (Adam)” (c.f. Genesis 2:22) – and then declared: “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh” (c.f. Genesis 2:24; Ephesians 5:31).
(3) While the institution of marriage has been made in heaven, we sometimes wonder whether the same thing can be said of individual marriages – especially in light of the high number of divorces each year – coupled with others relationships that don’t end in divorce, but are clearly unhappy and unsatisfying.
It’s not my intention to go into the reasons why some marriages fail – but I will say the basic problem has nothing to do with the institution, but with individuals – that the problem is not with marriage, but with the people who get married. Nor am I talking about getting married to the so-called “wrong” person – but rather, of having failed to deal with the sinful patterns of thought and behavior in one’s own life.
(4) Hence, the first and best thing any person can ever do for their marriage (present or future), is repent of their sins and profess faith in Jesus Christ.
Do all marriages between non-Christians end in divorce? No, they don’t – thanks to something we call God’s “common grace” (see Matthew 5:45), whereby He enables them to stay together (compare Genesis 20:6). Do marriages between Christians ever end in divorce? Unfortunately, some do (c.f. Matthew 19:8) – in part because we are still sinful people, living in a fallen world (compare Romans 7:19).
However, that’s not the point – my point is that, apart from saving faith in Christ, no marriage between two unredeemed people can ever become what God’s preceptive will2 intends for it to be, even if they do manage to stay together. Without Christ, no marriage between two spiritually dead individuals (c.f. Ephesians 2:1) can ever achieve what we find outlined in this morning’s Scripture lesson – where a wife is “subject to her own husband AS TO THE LORD” (c.f. Ephesians 5:22) – and a husband “loves his wife AS CHRIST loves the church and gave Himself up for her” (c.f. Ephesians 5:25).
What’s more, I say that on the authority of Jesus’ own words in the Gospel of John, where He said: “apart from Me you can do NOTHING” (c.f. John 15:5) – i.e. we can’t even have a successful marriage, in the biblical sense, a apart from a saving relationship with Jesus Christ.
(5) Since the institution of marriage has been made in heaven, it stands to reason the basic components for a having successful, God-honoring, Christ-like marriage come from heaven as well. To put it another way, not only has God given mankind the institution of marriage, He has also told us how it works – and it works the way God designed it, when husbands and wives relate to each other in certain, specific ways.
(6) I am all for enjoying marriage. But, I hasten to add that personal enjoyment is NOT the primary purpose of marriage. One of the problems with most marriage advice (both inside and outside the church) is that it focuses almost exclusively on human satisfaction and human pleasure – when the ultimate goal of marriage (as every Christian should know) is to glorify our Savior Jesus Christ (compare John 11:4). Hence, an oft-quoted verse from First Corinthians chapter ten says: “Whether, then, you eat or drink or WHATEVER YOU DO, do all to the glory of God” (c.f. I Corinthians 10:31) – and the word “whatever” includes glorifying Him through our marriage. In other words (to use the idiom we began with), marriages that are truly made in heaven will strive to glorify the God of heaven.
(B) THE FALL IS NOT A LEGEND
(1) The institution of marriage was established by God in Genesis chapter two – and there’s every reason to believe Adam and Eve carried out their respective roles of headship and submission perfectly – at least for a time. I say “for a time”, because in Genesis chapter three we encounter an event that completely changed the way men and women relate to each other. This event did NOT change (or eliminate) the institution of marriage – and it did NOT rescind God’s basic commands to, and requirements for husbands and wives. But it DID change people’s desire and ability to obey God – and it DID change their desire and ability to carry out their respective roles in marriage. I’m speaking, of course, about the Fall of mankind into sin (c.f. Genesis 3:1-19).
(2) For as long as I have been familiar with the biblical record of this historical event, I have associated the moment of the Fall with Adam eating the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil (c.f. Genesis 2:17; 3:6). Lately, however, I’ve wondered if the Fall wasn’t really a series of actions that culminated (or climaxed) with Adam eating the forbidden fruit – in part, because Adam and Eve appear to have done several things, leading up to that moment, that weren’t right – things that involved a twisting of their marriage roles.3
For example, Eve didn’t just listen to the serpent and chose to eat the forbidden fruit first – she apparently did so WITHOUT consulting her husband (or WITHOUT taking the instructions he had supposedly taught her into account) – thereby failing to submit herself to his headship (c.f. Genesis 3:6).
On the other hand, Adam (whom many think was standing right there the whole time) failed to exercise headship over his wife – by reminding her once again of what God had said – by warning her about listening to the serpent – by forbidding her to eat the fruit – and then following her lead and eating it himself3 (c.f. Genesis 3:6; see also Genesis 3:17).
Hence, one could say that the Fall of mankind occurred (at least in part) because Adam and Eve forsook the respective roles set out for them by their Creator.3 And if that’s the case, then we shouldn’t be surprised when marriages “fall apart” today, because husbands and wives are not taking the roles and responsibilities God has given them seriously.
(3) Ever since the Fall, humanity has been living under the curse of sin – and a major part of that curse involves death. We often talk about the physical, and spiritual, and eternal aspects of death – but we could just as easily talk about other kinds of deadly consequences – like the death of a marriage, ever time two people decide they can no longer live to together (or are no longer willing to try and live together) as husband and wife. Hence, divorce is as much a part of the curse of sin, as physical or spiritual death – unhappy marriages, that leave couples frustrated, and dishonor Christ, are as much a part of the Fall as being dead in our trespasses and sins (c.f. Ephesians 2:5).
(4) Other curses resulted from the Fall as well. For example, God told women their pain in childbirth would be “greatly multiplied” (c.f. Genesis 3:16) – while men were told the work needed to grow food from the earth (and make a living for their family) would become an extremely difficult and sweaty task (c.f. Genesis 3:17-19).
There were also curses related directly to marriage – captured in these words from Genesis chapter three, verse sixteen, where God told Eve: “… your DESIRE will be for your husband, and he will RULE OVER you” (c.f. Genesis 3:16). The English Standard Version Study Bible offers this explanation: “These words from the Lord indicate there will be an ongoing struggle between the woman and man for leadership in marriage. The complementary relationship between husband and wife, that was ordained before the Fall, has now been deeply damaged and distorted by sin … from this point onward, wives will have a sinful ‘desire’ to oppose their husbands, by trying to assert leadership over them, thereby reversing God’s plan for male headship in the home … but husbands will also abandon their God-given role of leading, guarding, and caring for their wives, by replacing it with a sinful and distorted desire to ‘rule over’ them (in a domineering and authoritarian fashion).”4
(5) The fact we see so many marriages functioning just like this (to varying degrees) – where the wife is trying to control her husband, often through various forms of manipulation – while the husband is using physical and verbal intimidation to try and rule over his wife – coupled with the fact that a fallen world generally thinks the whole idea of biblical headship and submission in marriage is archaic, and even harmful (especially to women) – only proves that the Fall was real, and its curses still in effect!
It also underscores what I said earlier about the need to repent of our sins and profess saving faith in Jesus Christ – because only Christ can overcome the consequences of the Fall in our lives – only Christ can reverse the effects of sin in our life – only He can enable husbands and wives to conquer their fallen, sinful tendency to pervert their respective roles in marriage, and strive to fulfill them as God intended instead.
(C) HUSBANDS, LOVE YOUR WIVES
(1) Turning to our text for the morning, Paul says (in verse twenty-five): “husbands, love your wives as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (c.f. Ephesians 5:25). The Greek word used here for “love” is “agape”5 – a word we studied at some length in a previous series of messages entitled, “Love Is …”6
(2) I’m not going to repeat what we said then. But I will remind you that one of the unique characteristics of agape-love is that it’s not so much an emotion, as it is a matter of choice – a choice made out of regard, not for one’s own personal welfare, but for the welfare of another person7 (c.f. Philippians 2:3-4). And in the case of a husband, that “other person” would be his wife.
(3) The second thing to remember about agape-love is that it’s self-sacrificing. This comes across in our text, when Paul commands husbands to love their wives, “just as Christ … loved the church and GAVE HIMSELF UP FOR HER” (c.f. Ephesians 5:25). Hence, husbands are not to look to male movie stars, or professional athletes, to see how they should love their wives – we are to look to Christ. Husbands are not to follow the example of how our friends at work, or our hunting buddies, treat their wives – we are to follow the example of Christ, whose love for His Bride, the Church is characterized by deep personal sacrifice.
(D) FOLLOWING JESUS’ EXAMPLE
(1) Scripture repeatedly exhorts Christians to follow their Savior’s example – to imitate HIM in our own behavior. A case in point would be the night Jesus washed His disciples’ feet, telling them afterwards: “I have given you AN EXAMPLE, that you should do as I have done to you” (c.f. John 13:15, NKJV). Elsewhere, the Apostle Peter told Christians, who were being afflicted by their oppressors, that: “Christ … suffered for you, leaving you AN EXAMPLE … to follow in His steps” (c.f. I Peter 2:21).
Paul opened Ephesians chapter five (the same chapter we are currently in) by exhorting Christians to 1“… be IMITATORS OF GOD … 2and (to) walk in love, JUST AS CHRIST also loved you …” (c.f. Ephesians 5:1-2) – while in another place, he commended the believers in Thessalonica for having become “IMITATORS … of the Lord” (c.f. I Thessalonians 1:6).
Elsewhere, Scripture says: “Have this attitude in yourselves which was also IN CHRIST JESUS” (c.f. Philippians 2:5) – and the immediate context goes on to show that we are to follow our Savior’s example of humility, that was displayed when He gave up the form of God to take on the form of a man (c.f. Philippians 2:6-7).
As a matter of fact, in almost every instance, where Jesus says to someone, “Follow Me” (see Matthew 4:19; Mark 8:34), it’s an invitation to become like Him (or imitate Him) in some manner.
(2) In today’s text, Christian husbands are clearly commanded to imitate Christ when it comes to loving their wives – by following His example of sacrificial love for His Bride, the Church (c.f. Revelation 19:7-8). Hence, Paul says: “Husbands, love your wives, JUST AS CHRIST also loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (c.f. Ephesians 5:25).
In studying this morning’s Scripture lesson, I was struck in a new way by how many times the phrase “as Christ” appears – three times total – all in connection with a husband’s relationship to his wife – and all of them reminding us that Christian husbands are to follow their Savior’s example.
The first one appears in last week’s text,8 verse twenty-three, where Paul said: “For the husband is the head of the wife, AS CHRIST … is … head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body” (c.f. Ephesians 5:23). This tells us that a husband’s headship in marriage and the home carries a real measure of authority, just as Christ’s headship over the Church does. But, that authority is to be exercised after the example of Jesus’ “saving work” on the cross, rather than in some arbitrary or authoritarian fashion.
The second example appears, of course, in this morning’s text, where Paul says: “Husbands, love your wives, just AS CHRIST also loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (c.f. Ephesians 5:25). As we’ve already noted, a husband’s love for his wife is to be characterized by sacrifice, rather than selfishness – giving, rather than always taking – serving, rather than always being served (c.f. Mark 10:45).
The third example is found in verses twenty-eight and twenty-nine, where husbands are told to 28“love their own wives as their own bodies … 29for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just AS CHRIST also does the church” (c.f. Ephesians 5:28-29). In other words, Christian husbands are to take care of their wives – and care for their wives – just like Christ provides for, and loves the Church.
We will address that point more in a later message. For the moment, I simply want us to see how this morning’s Scripture lesson emphasizes the fact that Christian husbands are to follow Jesus’ example when it comes to loving our wives – that our headship is to be modeled after the example of Christ’s headship over us – which is not one of tyranny, but compassion – not one of oppression, but kindness – not one of coercion, but of mercy and grace.
(3) I don’t think finite human beings can ever fully comprehend the depths of Christ’s sacrificial love for His people (c.f. Matthew 1:21) – at least not this side of heaven. But by His enabling grace, we are going to try and understand a little of it (at this point I am heavily indebted to John MacArthur).
When Christ came to earth, He knew what lay ahead (c.f. Luke 18:31-34) – He knew He would be mocked and ridiculed, maligned and rejected, beaten and crucified. He knew, from eternity past, what “His love for mankind” (c.f. Titus 3:4) – His love for “His sheep” (c.f. John 10:26-28) –His love for His Church (c.f. Ephesians 5:25), would cost Him. And yet (THANKFULLY!), He humbled Himself – giving up many of His prerogatives as God – including life itself, by becoming obedient to the point of death on a cross (c.f. Philippians 2:5-8).9
Jesus’ sacrifice was determined in heaven long before a single human being had been created (c.f. Ephesians 1:4). And because every man and woman became sinful by virtue of Adam’s fall, and comes into this world worthy only of eternal death (c.f. I Corinthians 15:21-22), Jesus’ saving sacrifice was purely of grace (c.f. Ephesians 2:8-9). No one deserves to be saved – no one deserves to have their sins forgiven – no one deserves to be snatched from the fires of judgment (c.f. Jude 1:23), and made a child of God. But that’s exactly what Jesus did! He “gave Himself up for” (c.f. Ephesians 5:25) those who were unlovely and unworthy (c.f. Romans 5:8) – not those who deserved it!10
(4) The world’s love is always object-oriented. Which means people are loved (not for themselves, but) because of their personality, or physical attractiveness – because of their wit, or wealth – because of their power, or prestige – because the couple has grown comfortable with each other, or because separation would be too traumatic or too expensive – or because of some other characteristic that is deemed to make a person worthy of being loved.
Such love is inevitably erratic and unreliable. Which means that, as soon as a person loses a positive characteristic – or that quality is no longer appealing – the love based on it disappears as well. (The fact this doesn’t happen more often, is a credit to God’s common grace [c.f. Matthew 5:45] – and not because unsaved people have learned how to love one another with an agape-love!) It’s because so many husbands and wives only have an “object-oriented” kind of love for one another, that their marriages fall apart. For as soon as the partner loses his or her appeal, love is gone, because the basis for that love is gone.10
(5) Fortunately, God’s love for us is not like that.10 If it were, no one would ever be saved – because no one is worthy to have Jesus go to the cross and die for them. Hence, we read passages like these – (Deuteronomy chapter seven) 7“The Lord did not set His love on you nor choose you BECAUSE you were more in number than any of the peoples, for you were the fewest of all peoples, 8but BECAUSE THE LORD LOVED YOU … (He) brought you out by a mighty hand and redeemed you from the house of slavery, from the hand of Pharaoh king of Egypt” (c.f. Deuteronomy 7:7-8). In other words, we aren’t told why the Lord loves the people He chooses to save – only that He does. We aren’t told why He loves the people He saves – only that it has nothing to do with anything in them!
Then there’s the oft-quoted (but important) verse in Romans chapter five that says: “God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that WHILE WE WERE YET SINNERS, Christ died for us” (c.f. Romans 5:8) – coupled with Jesus’ words in the Gospel of Luke, where He said: 31“It is not those who are well who need a physician, but those who are SICK. 32I have not come to call the righteous BUT SINNERS to repentance” (c.f. Luke 5:31-32) – hence, we find that God loved us, and Christ died for us, while we were sinful people who were unworthy and undeserving. (We should also note in passing that no one can ever to bad to be saved, as Paul plainly states in First Timothy chapter one) (c.f. I Timothy 1:15-16).
(6) The point is this – and with it we close. Our text says husbands are to love their wives “just AS CHRIST … loved the church” (c.f. Ephesians 5:25). That’s a tall order – and one no man can carry out in his own strength. For the moment, however, we simply want to see that loving our wife as Christ loves the church does not depend in the least on what’s in her – or what she’s like (compare I Peter 2:18 with I Peter 3:7). On the contrary, it depends entirely on who we are in Christ – and what we are becoming in Him, by His grace.
I suppose most husbands are initially attracted to their wife because of how she looks, or her personality, or other qualities worth admiring. But as we grow and mature in Christ, our love for her should become based less and less on these kinds of things – many of which are going to fade anyway (c.f. Proverbs 31:30, NIV) – and more and more on the fact that our wife needs to be loved, and we (above all others) have been raised up by Christ to love her. Indeed, we have been raised up to give her a taste of the love Christ has for her as her Savior.
1http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/marriage+made+in+
heaven
2Sproul: Essential Truths of the Christian Faith; p. 69.
3MacArthur: The MacArthur New Testament Commentary;
Ephesians; p. 293.
4The English Standards Version Study Bible: Footnote on
Genesis 3:16; p. 56.
5BCS: Strong’s Concordance; Word #25.
6http://www.wpcpca.org/Archive/02-05-06-am.htm
http://www.wpcpca.org/Archive/02-12-06-am.htm
http://www.wpcpca.org/Archive/02-19-06-am.htm
7MacArthur: Ibid; p. 194.
8http://www.wpcpca.org/Archive/01-11-09-am.html
9MacArthur: Ibid; p. 296.
10IBID; p. 297.