HELP FOR THE HOME

(“Guarding The Door Of Our Lips”)

Seminar Sermon

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue …”

(Proverbs 18:21)

“Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch

over the door of my lips.” (Psalm 141:3)

“Let the words of my mouth … be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my rock and my Redeemer.” (Psalm 19:14)

(A) WHAT ANSWER WOULD YOU GIVE?

(1) I want to begin this morning with a question: “In your opinion, what is the biggest hindrance to marital unity and overall family happiness?”¹

(a) Perhaps two answers that come to many people’s minds are INFIDELITY, and issues related to MONEY.² In Scripture adultery is a grave and terrible sin – in part because it constitutes a breaking of the marriage covenant between a husband and wife (c.f. Malachi 2:14). Hence, it is one of only two reasons given in Scripture for permitting divorce (c.f. Matthew 19:3-9). On the other hand, problems regarding money can stem from not having enough – to overspending, and not living within one’s means – to disagreements over who should manage the checkbook and pay the bills.

(b) Others have suggested two more general answers – SELFISHNESS and NEGLECT.³ It has been said that another word for “sin” is “self”. Indeed, every sin we can think of is driven by some form of “self” – be it self-indulgence, self-interest, self-importance, or some other self-driven motive. Selfishness in any form is always a sure home-wrecker and an inevitable marriage-killer. Indeed, selfishness often leads to neglect – in that we would rather spend time with our buddies (or our girl friends), than with our spouse or children – in that we would rather spend hour after hour on the internet, than talk with our wife or kids – in that we would rather go camping or play golf every week-end, than stay home and spend time with our family. Neglected things invariably die – be they plants, pets, or a marriage and home.

(2) Some time ago, Christian counselor and author, Wayne Mack, was asked: “What do you think is the biggest hindrance to marital and family unity today?” His answer was “POOR COMMUNICATION”.¹ As a counselor, he said he frequently encounters people who cannot resolve the problems in their home – not because there is no solution, or because their problems are beyond resolving – but because they don’t know how to communicate with each other in ways that are wholesome and constructive.

(a) Obviously, there are a lot of ways to ruin a home and marriage. There are also lots of things we can do (by Christ’s enabling grace) to give our marriage and family a chance to succeed. This morning, however, we are interested once again in the “communication factor”. We saw last time⁴ that “death and life are in the power of the tongue …” (c.f. Proverbs 18:21) – that our words have the capacity to destroy relationships, as well as the capacity to build them up – that our words have the ability to create an environment of “death” within our home, or an environment of “life”.

(b) This morning’s message is going to be what I call a “seminar sermon” – because we are going to look at several matters related to communication in the home, rather than one particular passage of Scripture. However, if there is a verse that might set the tone for today’s message, it’s Psalm 141:3, which says: “Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips.” It’s so easy to speak carelessly – to speak words that tear down, rather than build up – or to simply speak words that are insincere, and have no real value. Hence, our constant prayer ought to be: “Lord, help me control my tongue. Help me be careful about what I say” (c.f. Psalm 141:3, ICB).

(B) DESTRUCTIVE OR CONSTRUCTIVE

(1) The tongue (like many other gifts God has given us) can either be used for good or evil – indeed, it can be used for GREAT good, or GREAT evil! That’s what Solomon meant when he said that, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue …” (c.f. Proverbs 18:21). James had a similar thought in mind when he said that, “with (our tongue) we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the likeness of God” (c.f. James 3:9). Hence, the tongue is not only capable of great virtue and great vice – it’s also capable of great hypocrisy (sometimes in the same breath!).

(2) The destructive power of the tongue is spoken of repeatedly in the Book of Proverbs.

(a) For example, chapter twelve verse eighteen says: “Reckless words pierce like a sword …” (c.f. Proverbs 12:18, NIV) – i.e. what we say can wound another person’s heart and soul, just as surely as the blade of a sword can wound their body. Some people’s normal speech pattern involves words that belittle and manipulate, that mock and accuse, that insult and condemn.⁵ What’s more, words like these destroy relationships – for the little adage that says, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”, is a lie! Words can (and do) hurt! Our reckless words can hurt the people we claim to love – even the people in our own family – sometimes to the point that they no longer want to be around us, or have anything more to do with us, because the pain generated by our words is too great to bear. Hence, another proverb says that: “… (a perverse tongue) crushes the spirit” (c.f. Proverbs 15:4) – while yet another proverb says, “… by the mouth of the wicked (a city) is torn down” (c.f. Proverbs 11:11) (and not only cities, but also homes and families and marriages).

(b) Regarding the destructive power of the tongue, chapter eighteen verse six says that, “A fool’s lips bring strife …” – while verse seven adds that, “A fool’s mouth is his ruin, and his lips are (a) snare (to) his (own) soul” (c.f. Proverbs 18:6-7). In other words, a man who isn’t careful about the use of his words will bring about his own destruction.⁶ Or, in the context of this present series of messages, a man or woman can destroy their own family by the words that come out of their mouth – their own lips can bring ruin to their home and marriage! Hence, another proverb says: “The one who guards his mouth preserves his life; (but) the one who opens wide his lips comes to ruin” (c.f. Proverbs 13:3).

(3) The constructive power of the tongue is also spoken of in the Book of Proverbs.

(a) For example, chapter fifteen verse one says: “a gentle answer turns away wrath …” (c.f. Proverbs 15:1) – while verse four adds that, “a wholesome tongue is a tree of life …” (c.f. Proverbs 15:4, NKJV). When someone raises their voice with us, the natural (sinful) tendency is to respond in kind – if they shout at us, we’re going to shout right back – if they accuse us of wrongdoing, we pull out our own list of their transgressions – if they “get in our face”, we get right back in theirs. However, if we do NOT respond in kind – if, instead, we respond gently and calmly – if we respond with words that are carefully chosen and quietly spoken – nine times out of ten we can defuse the situation, lower the volatility level, and open the door for constructive communication to take place, so that we can get to the root of the problem and find a solution. Hence, another proverb says that, “… the (man who is) slow to anger calms a dispute” (c.f. Proverbs 15:18) – while yet another proverb says that, “… a soft tongue breaks the bone” (c.f. Proverbs 25:15) (i.e. gentle words have a way of breaking down strong resistence⁷ – or as a children’s paraphrase says, “a gentle word can get through to the hard-headed” [ICB]).

(b) Regarding the constructive power of the tongue, chapter twenty-five verse eleven says: “like apples of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right circumstances” (c.f. Proverbs 25:11). The imagery used here may seem a little strange to us – but the comparison is simply that well-chosen words are like a fine piece of art, or the work of a skilled craftsman.⁸ That is, they are beautiful to behold – even something to be savored, treasured, and enjoyed. Hence, another proverb says: “… how delightful is a timely word!” (c.f. Proverbs 15:23).

(4) The point of this little exercise is that, every home (every relationship within the home) needs a healthy amount of constructive communication (coupled with as little destructive communication as possible). As one writer has said: “the lips of the righteous … are suppose to be … put to work nourishing the other members of the family. Our mouths are to be used to bring cheer, turn away wrath, deepen relationships, commend knowledge, give encouragement, and promote relational healing.”⁹ To that end, then, we ought to constantly pray: “Let the words of my mouth … be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my rock and my Redeemer” (c.f. Psalm 19:14) – for if our words are acceptable in the sight of our Heavenly Father and our Savior, then we can be sure they are words of life and not words of death.

(1) One writer has said: “it is patently clear … that close, genuine relationships (both inside and outside the home) can only thrive in the soil of openness and honesty.”¹⁰ However, he then hurries on to add that this doesn’t mean family members should blurt out whatever’s on their mind at any given moment. After all, even Scripture says some things are better left unsaid. For example, Ephesians chapter five says: “there must be no filthiness … silly talk, or coarse jesting …” (c.f. Ephesians 5:4) (those kinds of words are best left unsaid) – while the fourth chapter of the Book of Philippians indicates that if what we’re about to say can’t meet the standard of being “honorable”, or “pure”, or “lovely” then we ought not say it (c.f. Philippians 4:8).

(2) Here, then, are some general biblical principles that ought to guide our practice of being open and honest with the other members of our family (or anyone else, for that matter). First, is what I’m about to say really true? In other words, do I have all the facts?¹¹ Or will my words be based on hearsay or unproven innuendo. The Book of Proverbs says: “He who gives an answer before he hears, it is folly and shame to him” (c.f. Proverbs 18:13) – while the Ninth Commandment tells us “not (to) bear false witness against (our) neighbor” (c.f. Exodus 20:16) (which is what we will be doing IF we aren’t sure whether the words we’re about to speak are true or not).

(3) Second, is what I would like to say profitable? Will my words be constructive, or destructive? Will what I say help the person who hears them, or needlessly (and perhaps callously) hurt them?¹¹ Proverbs chapter twenty says: “There is gold, and an abundance of jewels; but the lips of knowledge are a more precious thing” (c.f. Proverbs 20:15) – i.e. a wise and judicious use of our words is more valuable (to the people around us) than great material wealth. We can do the people in our family more good by a careful use of our words, than by having a large bank account. The Book of Romans says: “Each of us is to please his neighbor for HIS good, to HIS edification” (c.f. Romans 15:2) – and one way we do that is by making sure the words we speak will actually benefit the person who hears them (always avoiding the attitude that says, “I’m telling you this for your own good” – when we’re really telling them because we want to get it off our chest – or because we just can’t keep it to ourselves).

(4) Third, is this the proper time to say what’s on my mind, or would it be better to wait?¹¹ In other words, “right now” may not always the best time to speak – sometimes we need wait for a more favorable moment, or a less distracting set of circumstances, so that what we say has a better chance of being properly understood and received. Proverbs chapter fifteen says: “… how delightful is a TIMELY word!” (c.f. Proverbs 15:23) – i.e. not only is it important to say the right thing, it’s also important to say it at the right time. Hence the Book of Proverbs also says that: “(the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things [without regard to whether it’s a good time to speak or not], but) the heart of the righteous ponders how (and when) to answer” (c.f. Proverbs 15:28).

(5) Fourth, is my attitude right?¹¹ In other words, why do I want to say what I’m about to say? What’s my motive? What are my reasons for wanting to speak? Ephesians chapter four says we should always “(speak) the truth” – BUT, it also says we should always “(speak) the truth IN LOVE …” (c.f. Ephesians 4:15) – with the Greek word for “love” being “agape”,¹² which is a self-sacrificing, other-oriented kind of love. Hence, we might ask: “Is the attitude behind what I’m about to say one of love?” – that is, love for the person I’m talking to, not love for myself (as in, “I’m really going to enjoy saying this!” – or, “This statement is going to make me appear so insightful!”). First Corinthians chapter sixteen says: “Let all that you do be done in love” (c.f. I Corinthians 16:14) – and that includes what we choose to say. Hence, if my attitude isn’t right – if I can’t say it “in love” – then I shouldn’t say it at all!

(6) Fifth, are the words I’m planning to use the best way of saying what I want to say?¹¹ Or, is there a better way to say it? Do I need to take more time to think through what I want to say before I actually speak? Proverbs chapter fifteen says that: “(the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things, but) The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer …” (c.f. Proverbs 15:28) – i.e. whenever possible, it’s a good thing to carefully weigh what we’re about to say before we say it¹² – otherwise, something evil is apt to come pouring out of our mouth! Something that will be harmful to our home, detrimental to our marriage, or hurtful to one or more members of our family. Hence, Proverbs chapter sixteen says that: “A wise person’s mind tells him what to say …” (c.f. Proverbs 16:23, ICB) – with the reference being to a mind that has carefully pondered how to say what needs to be said, before saying it.

(7) Finally, we need to ask ourselves, have I prayed about this matter, and am I trusting God to guide my words?¹¹ The Book of Colossians exhorts us to “DEVOTE (our)selves to prayer …” (c.f. Colossians 4:2) – while the Book of Proverbs tells us to “Trust in the Lord with all (our) heart (as opposed to simply leaning) on (our) own (wisdom and) understanding” (c.f. Proverbs 3:5). Hence, wherever possible, it’s always good to pray about what we plan to say to our husband or wife, to our children, or to our parents – particularly if it’s a matter of special importance.

Many times, however, we don’t have time to pray – especially if we’re already in the middle of an intense conversation, or a serious discussion. Hence, it’s important to start each day by praying something like: “Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch (this day) over the door of my lips” (c.f. Psalm 141:3) – or, “Let the words of my mouth … be acceptable in Your sight (this day), O Lord, my rock and my Redeemer” (c.f. Psalm 19:14).

(D) CONTROLLING OUR COMMUNICATION

(1) So much of our verbal communication with each other (both inside and outside the home) is all about practicing self-control (which is a fruit of the Spirit – c.f. Galatians 5:22-23) – about learning how to keep a tight rein on our tongue¹⁴ (as it were), using biblical instructions like those we just looked at.

(2) Nor is this a minor issue – for the Book of James says: “If anyone thinks himself to be religious, and yet does not bridle his tongue … THIS MAN’S RELIGION IS WORTHLESS” (c.f. James 1:26). To put it another way, saved people are changed people – as well as people who are continuing to change – and some of those changes involve the way we use of our tongue!

(3) When God saves a man, He doesn’t just save His soul – He also saves His tongue! Hence, a truly saved man will start using his tongue differently than before – in part, by “laying aside falsehood, (and) speak(ing) (the) truth (in love)” (c.f. Ephesians 4:15, 25) – by letting “no (more) unwholesome word(s) proceed from (his) mouth, but only such … word(s) as (are) good for edification according to the need of the moment” (c.f. Ephesians 4:29) – by removing all “filthiness and silly talk, (and) coarse jesting” from his vocabulary (c.f. Ephesians 5:4) – by “putting side all forms of abusive speech from his mouth” (c.f. Colossians 3:8), and replacing that kind of talk with words that communicate Christ-like things, such as “compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness … patience (and forgiveness)” (c.f. Colossians 3:12-13).

(4) I’ve told you before that (in recent years) I have finally come to the point where I no longer expect non-Christians to behave (or talk) like Christians. If they do – okay. But when they don’t, I’m no longer surprised – or even offended. Because they are just being who they are! To put it another way, it’s unreasonable (and unrealistic) to expect a goat to behave like a sheep.

(5) HOWEVER, once a person claims to be a sheep, I expect to see some evidence of sheep-like behavior. When a man or woman makes a profession of faith in Christ – if that profession is genuine, I expect to start seeing some changes in the way they walk and the way they talk. I don’t expect instant perfection (or perfection of any kind, for that matter) – but I do expect to start seeing some gradual changes in their life, one of which involves the use of their tongue.

At the very least, I expect them to be striving (by Christ’s enabling grace) to “keep their tongue from evil and their lips from speaking deceit” (c.f. Psalm 34:13). At the very least, I expect to see some evidence that they are trying to “guard their mouth as with a muzzle, so that they are no longer sinning as often as before with their tongue” (c.f. Psalm 39:1). In other words, I expect their profession of faith in Christ to have some noticeable, positive impact on their mouth – always recognizing, of course, that everyone has their “besetting sins” (c.f. Hebrews 12:1, KJV) (i.e. sins they particularly struggle with, that may or may not be as much of a problem for someone else) – and for some people, those besetting sins involve the sinful misuse of their tongue. I understand that – HOWEVER, we also need to remember that that passage from Hebrews chapter twelve says we are to “lay aside the sins that so easily beset us” – not use the fact we struggle with them as an excuse to continue in them!

(6) Let us repent, then, of all the times we have used our tongue to tear down our home, and our family, and our marriage – let us repent of all the times (intentional or not) when we have used our words to inflict pain on our wife or husband, our discourage our children, or even communicate disrespect to our parents.

Then, let us claim our Savior’s forgiveness, promised in so many places throughout the Old and New Testaments – in places like Psalm thirty-two, where David said: “(when) I … confess(ed) my transgressions to the Lord … (He immediately) forgave the guilt of my sin. Selah” (c.f. Psalm 32:5) – and also in Matthew chapter five, where Jesus Himself instructs us to ask the Father to “forgive us our debts” (c.f. Matthew 6:12), in part, because He is ready and willing to do so.

And then, let us make passages of Scripture like these part of our regular prayer life: “Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch (every day) over the door of my lips” (c.f. Psalm 141:3) – and also, “Let the words of my mouth (that I use this day) … be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my rock and my Redeemer” (c.f. Psalm 19:14) – so that we may strive to speak only words of “life” (rather than words of “death”) in our homes from this day on (c.f. Proverbs 18:21).

BIBLIOGRAPHY

¹Mack: Your Family God’s Way; p. 55.

²http://marriagebailout.com/biggest-marriage-problems.php

³http://ezinearticles.com/?Your-Biggest-Marriage-Problems

---How-to-Solve-Them!&id=2425358

⁴http://www.wpcpca.org/Archive/08-30-09-am.html

⁵The English Standard Study Bible; Footnote on Proverbs

12:18; p. 1156.

⁶MacArthur: The MacArthur Bible Commentary; p. 715.

⁷The New Geneva Study Bible: Footnote on Proverbs 25:15;

p. 973.

⁸IBID; Footnote on Proverbs 25:11; p. 973.

⁹Mack: Ibid; p. 80.

¹⁰Mack: Strengthening Your Marriage; p. 49.

¹¹IBID; 50.

¹²BCS: Strong’s Concordance; Word #26.

¹³The New Geneva Study Bible: Footnote on Proverbs 15:28;

p. 954.

¹⁴MacArthur: Ibid; p. 1885.