(“Making Friends With Non-Believers”) (I)

Heavenly Father, “let the words of my mouth and the meditation of (our) heart(s) be acceptable in Your sight” (c.f. Psalm 19:14) this morning. Use what is said to help us fulfill our Savior’s mandate to be His witnesses (c.f. Acts 1:8). May the Holy Spirit lead us into truth (c.f. John 16:13a), and protect us from error (c.f. I Thessalonians 2:3). Enable us to be doers of Your word, not just listeners who delude themselves regarding their own salvation (c.f. James 1:22). For we ask these things in Jesus’ name – Amen.

(A) BEING A FRIEND TO TAX COLLECTORS AND OTHER SINNERS

(1) One thing the religious leaders of Jesus’ day frequently criticized Him for doing was socializing with sinners.

(a) For example, in a passage from the Gospel of Matthew we looked at some time back, we’re told Jesus ^{9“saw a man called Matthew, sitting in the tax collector’s booth; and … said to him, ‘Follow Me!’ And (Matthew) got up and followed Him. 10Then it happened … as Jesus was reclining at the table in (Matthew’s) house … many tax collectors and sinners came and were dining with (Him) and His disciples. 11When the Pharisees saw this, they said to His disciples, ‘Why is your Teacher eating with … tax collectors and sinners?’ 12But when Jesus heard this, He said, ‘It is not those who are healthy who need a physician, but those who are sick. 13… go and learn what this means: “I desire compassion, and not sacrifice,” for I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners (i.e. to repentance)’”} (c.f. Matthew 9:9-13; Luke 5:30-32).

(b) Jesus socialized with tax collectors and other sinners so often the self-righteous began referring to Him disparagingly as “a friend of tax collectors and sinners” (c.f. Matthew 11:19) – for, whereas they would cross the street to avoid passing a known sinner on the sidewalk, Jesus would go to their homes and eat meals with them!

(c) Hence, in the Gospel of Luke we read that ^{1“all the tax collectors and … sinners were coming near (Jesus) to listen to Him. 2(Whereupon) the Pharisees and … scribes began to grumble, saying, ‘This man receives sinners and eats with them’”} (c.f. Luke 15:1-2). Hearing their complaints, Jesus proceeded to explain why He did this, by telling three parables about lost things – a lost sheep, a lost coin, and a lost son (c.f. Luke 15:3-32) – thereby illustrating a truth He states elsewhere, that “the Son of Man has come to seek and … save that which was lost” (c.f. Luke 19:10) – and what better place to “fish” for “the lost” (to use one Jesus’ metaphors – c.f. Matthew 4:19) than by socializing with tax collectors and other sinners?!

(d) Remember, too, that we were once “tax collectors and sinners” (so to speak) ourselves. Hence, Paul reminded the Ephesian Christians: ^{1“And you were dead in your trespasses and sins, 2in which you formerly walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, of the spirit that is now working in the sons of disobedience. 3Among them we too all formerly lived in the lusts of our flesh, indulging the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, even as the rest”} (c.f. Ephesians 2:1-3).

In another place Paul told Pastor Titus to remind the members of his congregation that: “we also once were foolish ourselves, disobedient, deceived, enslaved to various lusts and pleasures, spending our life in malice and envy, hateful, hating one another” (c.f. Titus 3:3).

Likewise, Peter reminded the redeemed recipients of his first letter that, “you have spent enough time in the past doing what pagans choose to do – living in debauchery, lust, drunkenness, orgies, carousing and detestable idolatry” (c.f. I Peter 4:3, NIV).

So, when we talk about Jesus eating with tax collectors and other sinners, we need to remember we were once in that category ourselves. And that had He not humbled Himself to “befriend” us (as it were), we would still be lost in our sins – and the wrath of God would still be hanging over our heads, waiting to be poured out on us for the rest of eternity (c.f. John 3:36).

(2) During this year-long emphasis on fulfilling Christ’s mandate to be His witnesses (c.f. Acts 1:8), one of our “assignments” (if you will) has been to imitate Jesus’ example of “eating with tax collectors and other sinners” by trying to build relationships and/or friendships with non-believers.

(a) I have not yet ask us to explain the plan of salvation to non-believers (although I have suggested it would be good if we knew how, just in case they asked – c.f. I Peter 3:15). Nor I have ask us to try and initiate “spiritual conversations” with non-believers (although, if they bring the subject up we should be prepared to converse with them – Colossians 4:5-6). And, although I have encouraged us to invite non-believers to be our guests at worship, I did not necessarily mean for us to do that until after we have established some sort of positive relationship with them.

(b) Up to now, the main thing we have been asked to do (aside from praying fervently for harvest workers – c.f. Matthew 9:37-38) is simply try and build friendships with non-Christians – to eat with them, lend a helping hand, find out what they’re interested in and talk with them about those things, even sympathize with them if we discover they’re going through a difficult time – i.e. to simply do the kind of things friends and/or friendly people do with each other.

(c) I’m speculating, of course, but I doubt if Jesus walked up to people He met for the first time and said, “Hi, I’m God’s Messiah – and I’d like to tell you why you need to believe in Me to be saved.” I suppose situations similar to that may have occurred as His reputation grew – but I think Scripture indicates Jesus spent far more time building friendships with people than we realize – which would help explain why the scribes and Pharisees were so critical of Him for socializing with sinners.

(d) What little feed-back I’ve received from some of you indicates many of us are finding even this simple proposition – of trying to build positive relationships with non-believers – difficult, if not actually frightening. So, to try and aid us in this endeavor I’m going to devote the next two or three “seminar sermons” to some practical suggestions for how to make friends with non-Christians. In doing so, I will be drawing heavily from two sources. One is a fairly recent book (copyright 2003) entitled “Down To Earth Discipling” by Scott Morton, vice president of development for The Navigators, and published (obviously) by Navpress. The other book, which is about twenty-five years old now (copyright 1981), is entitled “Lifestyle Evangelism” – it’s written by Joe Aldrich, and published by Multnomah Publishers.

(e) As we strive (by Christ’s enabling grace) to put these suggestions into practice, we need to remember several things.

First, (as hard as it may be for us to accept) not every non-believing neighbor, acquaintance or co-worker is going to want to be our friend – and that’s okay. If they are one of God’s elect, He will bring someone else along to be their friend and/or witness to them. If and when that happens, we should remain cordial and look for those who are willing to respond to our overtures of friendship.

Second, all our efforts to build relationships with non-believers needs to be under girded by prayer – not only ours, but also those of our brothers and sisters in Christ – for unless the Lord “builds the house” (so to speak) our witnessing “labor(s)” will be “in vain” (c.f. Psalm 127:1).

Finally, we need to trust that as we go about trying to build relationships with non-believers, our Sovereign God and Savior will lead us to some of His elect, but as yet unsaved, people.

(B) SOME PRACTICAL SUGGESTIONS FORBUILDING FRIENDSHIPS/RELATIONSHIPS WITH NON-BELIEVERS

(1) Keeping in mind, then, that evangelism is normally a process,¹ rather than an event – that seeing people profess faith in Christ ordinarily requires planting, watering and weeding before we can even think about a harvest – that an unspecified gestation period is generally necessary before the new birth can take place² – here, then, are several practical suggestions regarding how to build relationships and/or friendships with non-Christians which we hope (and pray) that the Lord will use to bring them to Himself. First of all, then, we have to be willing to associate with non-believers.³

(a) Some Christians are convinced God’s people should “be separate” (c.f. II Corinthians 6:17) from the world. While there are certainly times when that’s the case – especially in situations where an unbeliever might exert significant control or influence over a Christian’s life⁴ (like in marriage, for example) – often those who say we should keep as much distance between ourselves and the world as possible are misapplying passages like the one found in Second Corinthians chapter six that says, ^{14“Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness? 15Or what harmony has Christ with Belial, or what has a believer in common with an unbeliever? 16Or what agreement has the temple of God with idols?”} (c.f. II Corinthians 6:14-16a).

(b) This is not a blanket prohibition, however, as Paul explains in another place, where he said: ^{9“I wrote you in my letter not to associate with immoral people; 10I did not … mean … the immoral people of this world, or … the covetous and swindlers, or … idolaters, for then you would have to go out of the world. 11But actually, I wrote … you not to associate with any so-called brother if he is an immoral person, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or a swindler – not even to eat with such a one”} (c.f. I Corinthians 5:9-11).

(c) Here Paul indicates that we should not abandon all our non-believing acquaintances and/or friends – indeed, he stresses the impossibility of doing so even if we tried, by telling us the only way we could cut off all interaction with non-Christians is by literally “leaving this world” (v 10). “Actually”, he says we are to distance ourselves from people who claim to be believers – some of whom have even become leaders in the church (c.f. II Corinthians 11:12-15) – but who are contradicting the faith by living immoral lives. Hence, Paul’s exhortation is just the opposite of some evangelical thinking today, which advocates avoiding non-believers for fear of being corrupted by their immoral behavior, while continuing to “associate with people who call themselves “Christians” who are doing lots of the same stuff.⁶

(d) We’ve already seen that Jesus had a reputation for “spending time” with the uncoverted. By contrast, many Christians today “spend most of their time” with the converted. Many don’t have any genuine friendships with non-believers – despite the fact we interact with them every day at work, at school, at the gym, at political gatherings, at the hair dressers, and/or at the grocery store.

(e) Scott Morton, the author of “Down to Earth Discipling”, tells of the time he taught a Sunday school class on evangelism to a group of young married couples – sharp people (he says), with promising careers, socially in tune, the kind of people you want in your church. After spending several weeks laying the biblical groundwork, he passed out index cards and posed the following assignment: “Think of the non-believers in your world – at work, in your neighborhood, at the health club, and so on. List the names of those you could invite to your home for a meal on a Friday or Saturday night in the next few weeks. Your goal is not to spring the gospel on them, but to just enjoy a nice evening together.”⁵

Morton says there was a long silence. Class members stared at him – then at their index cards – and finally off into the air. Eventually, a few began doodling on their card – as if hoping a name or two might magically appear from the end of their pen. After a while, one class member spoke up and said: “Scott, we have non-Christian acquaintances, but we don’t have non-Christian friends – and especially none we want to invite into our homes.”

“But you work with non-believers every day – you’re around them all the time”, Morton replied.

“Yes,” the class member answered, “but they’re not our friends. We don’t know them very well. And besides, what if they take God’s name in vain, or want to smoke? The thought of inviting them into our homes makes us nervous.”

One by one other class members spoke up, expressing similar reticence and/or reluctance to engage any of the non-believers they knew in genuine friendship. They were all more comfortable entertaining Christian friends, hiring Christian plumbers, taking their car to Christian mechanics, and/or patronizing Christian restaurants – all of which reinforces the notion that for most of us, “associating” with Christians is the norm, while choosing to spend our free time with non-Christians (like Jesus did) is highly unusual.⁶

(f) And yet, if we’re going to be Christ’s witnesses, we need to break out of our insulated, “sanitized” world – and by His enabling grace (c.f. Hebrews 2:18; 4:16) start moving into in the lives of the unbelievers He has sovereignly placed around us.

[1] One way is to do that is by deciding to intentionally spend time with non-believers. Morton asks: “Why not list half a dozen non-believers to pray for, asking God to give you opportunities to get to know them? Maybe you’ll like them!”⁷ Maybe we won’t – but how do we know until we try?! Besides, in time God may change our attitude toward them. Remember, too, that we weren’t very appealing people either before we were saved (c.f. Titus 3:3) – hence, the Scripture says that, “God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us” (c.f. Romans 5:8; see also Isaiah 64:6).

[2] Second, initiate outings. The old adage is true, that “The one who would have friends must prove to be friendly.” Morton writes, “though we are not consistent, my wife and I purposely initiate a friendship-building activity with non-believers once a week, in addition to incidental contacts. So rather than hanging out with our Christian friends, we invite non-believing friends to a popular restaurant, to our home, or to the theater.⁷

[3] “Do we share the gospel on these occasions?” asks Morton. “Usually not. Springing a hidden agenda is like rolling a hand grenade onto the coffee table. I’ve done that!” he says, “It’s not pretty, and your friends will not respond to your next invitation for a ‘fun evening out’. But neither do my wife or I hide our faith; we share all aspects of our lives,”⁷ because (and these are my words, not his) that’s what friends do.

(2) Second, when building a relationship with non-believers its important to take time to develop a level of trust and/or credibility with them.⁸

(a) Ordinarily, this is not something we can do in a few minutes, and/or in a single visit or conversation. There may be those salesmen-like personalities who can (at least in a superficial way) – but most of us need more time.

Speaking of salesmen, what’s your own reaction when one comes to your door uninvited – or, as happens more often today, when a stranger calls you on the phone wanting to sell you his product? Are you happy he called? Are you interested in listening to what he has to say? Probably not. On the contrary, you’re more likely to have an almost automatic resistant to anything he tells you – even if he’s right. But, if a friend comes by and gives you a glowing report about the very same product, your reaction is apt to be different – indeed, it’s apt to be much more positive, even if you don’t choose to buy the product.⁹

Like it or not, many non-believers have a similar “gut reaction” to our attempts to tell them about Christ IF we have not built some level of trust or credibility with them – but to do that takes time. The goods news is, we are free to take the time because we have Christ’s promise that He is not going to lose any of those the Father has given Him to save (c.f. John 6:39; 18:9).

(b) Scott Morton gives a personal example of failing to take enough time to build credibility with a non-believer. He writes: “I had been asked by the Audubon Society to lead a bird-watching hike through Glen Eyrie canyon, home of the Navigators. About twenty-five people gathered one cool May morning at 7:00 a.m. I fell in step with ‘George’ (not his real name) and his wife, explaining the history of Glen Eyrie as we slowly walked the canyon, pausing now and then to gaze through binoculars. They enjoyed the three-hour hike immensely and thanked me profusely. We even exchanged phone numbers.

A few weeks later I was starting a Friday morning ‘skeptics’ Bible study’, so I called George and invited him to lunch. We met at a little Italian restaurant near his office, and quickly picked up our friendship from the bird outing. But the conversation cooled noticeably when I invited him to the Bible group. He was polite, but a tenseness came over him as we finished our meal. Nevertheless, he came to the first study. It was a cordial study with plenty of doughnuts, a little laughter, and a discussion of John chapter one with ten newcomers, most unbelievers. But George never came again. And he never returned any of my phone calls. End of story.

What went wrong?” asks Morton. “I could dismiss his reaction by saying he was convicted of sin – and maybe he was. But maybe I was too aggressive. Maybe George was nowhere near understanding the Gospel. Maybe he wasn’t ready for a bible study group just yet. Maybe he and his wife had a previous bad experience with some church. I wish,” writes Morton, “that I had built the relationship more before I invited him to the study. I applaud my boldness – but I question my wisdom.”¹⁰

(c) So how do we build credibility with non-believers? We do it, in part, by being ourselves – by being who we are – i.e. by living a consistent Christian life. We don’t hide the fact we are a Christian – but we don’t flaunt it (so to speak) either. As the Scripture says: “Keep your behavior excellent among the Gentiles (“gentiles” being a metaphor for unbelievers), so that … they may because of your good deeds, as they observe them, glorify God in the day of visitation” (c.f. I Peter 2:12) – and again: “make it your ambition to lead a quiet life and attend to your own business and work with your hands … so that you will behave properly toward outsiders (“outsiders” being another metaphor for unbelievers) and not be in any need” (c.f. I Thessalonians 4:11-12) – and once more: “Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven” (c.f. Matthew 5:16).

If we ever want to tell our non-Christian friends about Christ, and have them listen with some degree of interest, we better lay the groundwork beforehand so our testimony has some credibility. As one writer said, “we don’t need to be perfect, but we do need to be genuine.”¹¹

(d) We also build trust and credibility with non-believers by taking the time to establish a relationship or friendship with them. As we’ve said before, not every non-believer is going to respond positively to our overtures of friendship – but if we keep “fishing” (c.f. Luke 5:10), in God’s providence some will.

So how do we go about building relationships with non-believers? I think we do it the same way we build a friendship with anyone else – i.e. we have to get to know them – and to do that we have to spend time with them. So here are a few practical suggestions.

[1] Be friendly – and be a good listener.¹² You’ll be amazed at how much you can learn about your non-believing acquaintances if you concentrate on listening to what they say – whether they’re talking to you or someone else. When they are talking with us, the passage from James that says we should be “quick to hear, (and) slow to speak” (c.f. James 1:19b) comes to mind – which implies (at least in part) that for some of us part of being a good listener involves keeping our own words to a minimum.

[2] Discover what your non-believing acquaintances’ interests are, and talk about those.¹² For example, does your neighbor like to fish – or does he like to work with wood? Knowing what his interests are provides us with a ready bridge to conversations that help our relationship with him grow, regardless of whether they are our interests or not.

[3] Along these same line, we need to try and cultivate some common interests. As one writer says, the immediate goal is to build a reservoir of shared experiences.¹³ The list of possible interests is almost endless – golf – sewing – painting – music – hiking – concerts – gardening – politics (exercise careful on that one!) – PTA – reading – dominos – playing cards – going to football or basketball games – quilting – cooking – wood-working – eating out, etc.

The idea is to discover potential points of contact and then use them as relational building blocks¹⁴ – to use our common interests to build credibility with non-believers, so that when the opportunity presents itself we can invite them to church, or to a bible study, or even share Christ with them ourselves – and do it as someone who is their friend, rather than someone who only seems to be interested in “making a sale”.

6:14; p. 1836.