HELP FOR THE HOME
(“Confronting Conflict”)
James 3:13 – 4:2 (NASU)
1“What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members? 2You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. You are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel …” (James 4:1-2)
(A) GOOD OR EVIL?
(1) Do you believe mankind is basically good – or evil? OR, do you take a middle-of-the-road position that says men and women are a mixture of both good and evil?
More to the point of today’s message – do you wives believe the man you married is basically good, or evil? Do you husbands believe the woman you are living with is inherently good, or sinful? Do you parents believe your children, whom you love and adore, are intrinsically good, or corrupt? Do you children and teens believe your mom and dad are essentially good people, or bad?
Former President Ronald Reagan is quoted as saying: “I know in my heart that man is good …”1 (politicians from both political parties frequently make similar statements).
Abraham Maslow, the father of humanistic psychology and self-actualization,2 developed ten basic principles – one of which said that “man is basically good not evil”.3
Islamic theologians teach that “the nature of man is basically good, (even though he is) prone to follow (his) own will (rather than) the will of Allah”4 (which begs an important question we’ll address in a moment).
In an article entitled, “The Pelagian Captivity of the Church”, R. C. Sproul quoted a George Barna poll in which 70% of those who identified themselves as “professing evangelical Christians” expressed the belief that man is basically good.5
Not everyone believes that, of course – but many do. Indeed, the inherent goodness of people (as opposed to having natures that are corrupt, fallen and sinful) is one of the foundational beliefs of humanistic philosophical thought, and secular education – of both religious and political liberalism – as well as such false religions as Scientology and Confucianism.
(2) If men and women are basically good, then how do we explain all the evil things going on in the world? How do we explain the fact that our prisons and psychiatric hospitals are full? How do we explain 1.4 million murders, rapes, robberies and violent assaults, just in the United States, in 2007?6 How do we explain the fact that everyone of us locks the doors before we go to bed at night? How do we explain terrorist bombings – and the various wars going on around the globe? How do we explain all the conflicts and discord, all the arguments and dissensions, that arise within our homes, and our marriages, and our families – sometimes ending in divorce, with relatives no talking to each other, or other forms of prolonged estrangement?
One explanation that keeps resurfacing under various guises says that “man is basically good, but society makes him do bad things”7 – that man is essentially good, but things like poverty, and abuse, and ignorance make him do things that are wrong7 – that man really is good at heart, but some parts of the environment he grows up in, or has been forced to live in, make him do things he shouldn’t.
Of course, one problem with that explanation is this – if men and women are basically good, how did the “culture” or the social “environment” become such a negative factor in people’s lives? If people are basically good, how is it that some of them are such a bad influence on the rest of us?
(B) BEFORE AND AFTER
(1) Our culture has no real answers to those questions – but Scripture does. And through it, God tells us mankind was created “good” (c.f. Genesis 1:26-27, 31; Ecclesiastes 7:29) – but soon thereafter succumbed to temptation, and fell into sin (c.f. Genesis 3:1-19).
This is a mystery all it’s own – as to how Adam and Eve could be “good”, and yet choose to sin against God. However, it’s not within the scope of this morning’s message to try and resolve that theological puzzle. For our purposes today, it’s enough to know that ever since the Fall, Scripture says men and women are born into this world with nature’s that are basically evil (or sinful) – rather than good.
Paul said: “I know that nothing good dwells in me …” (c.f. Romans 7:18) – Jesus said: “… No one is good except God” (c.f. Luke 18:19) – Moses wrote that “… EVERY intent of the thoughts of (men’s) heart(s) (is) only evil continually” (c.f. Genesis 6:5).
Elsewhere, David said: “I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin my mother conceived me …” (c.f. Psalm 51:5) – and again: “The wicked are estranged from the womb; (those) who speak lies go astray from birth” (c.f. Psalm 58:3) – and once more: “… there is no one who does good, not even one” (c.f. Psalm 53:3).
Peter once said: “Go away from me Lord, for I am a sinful man …” (c.f. Luke 5:8) – the tax-collector in the temple cried out: “… God, be merciful to me, the sinner” (c.f. Luke 18:13) – Solomon once asked: “Who can say, ‘I have cleansed my heart, I am pure from my sin’?” (c.f. Proverbs 20:9) (the answer being, “No one!”).
(2) This is the condition every man and woman finds themselves in prior to (or apart from) repenting of their sins and professing saving faith in Jesus Christ.
Apart from Christ men and women are committed to doing evil (c.f. John 8:44a) – being “dead in our trespasses and sins” – always “walking according to the course of this ‘world’” (c.f. I John 2:16) – and constantly “indulging the desires of the flesh and mind” (c.f. Ephesians 2:1-3).
Apart from Christ, our way of life consists of various forms and degrees of evil – including “enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, (and) factions …” (c.f. Galatians 5:20). Nor do these conflicts happen just between us and people outside the home – they also happen between us and the people we live with inside our home.
Apart from Christ, there is not one of the Ten Commandments we have not broken – multiple times (c.f. Exodus 20:1-17).
Apart from Christ, we do not love God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength – nor do we love our neighbor as ourselves (c.f. Matthew 22:35-40). Which means that our natural, fallen, sinful tendency is to love ourselves first, before anyone else, including our spouse and children, our parents, or any other member of our family. (And when you put multiple people, who love themselves first, in the same house, you’re bound to have conflict!)
Apart from Christ, every relationship is about “me” first – which is one reason why this morning’s Scripture lesson says (in verse sixteen): “where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every EVIL thing” (c.f. James 3:16) – while our text says (in verses one and two) (in part): 1“Is not the source (of your conflicts) your pleasures that wage war in your members? 2You lust and do not have … You are envious and cannot obtain; SO YOU FIGHT AND QUARREL …” (c.f. James 4:1-2).
(3) Once we experience a GENUINE conversion to Christ, however, our life begins to change – as Scripture says: “if anyone (really) is in Christ, he is a NEW creature; the old things (have) passed away; behold, NEW things have come” (c.f. II Corinthians 5:17). As Christians, we are to consider the “old (sinful) self (as being dead, having been) crucified with (Christ)”, in order that we “might (now) walk in NEWNESS of life”, after the example of our Savior (c.f. Romans 6:4, 6; I Peter 1:14-16; Ephesians 5:1-4). Hence Scripture says we are to “walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, to please Him in all respects” (c.f. Colossians 1:10).
These, and other changes Scripture speaks of, ought to become evident in our home, in our marriage, and in all our family relationships.
(4) Practically speaking, however, these changes do not always happen immediately – nor do we always practice them consistently. To be sure, some changes do happen quickly – and become a part of our day-to-day life right away. But ordinarily, for reasons only our Wise and Sovereign Heavenly Father knows, the deepest changes often happen gradually, over a long period of time – just like a child’s physical growth happens imperceptibly, but steadily, as the weeks and months go by.
Hence, Scripture talks about “laying aside the old self, and putting on the new” (c.f. Ephesians 4:22-24) – of “running the race of life with endurance” (c.f. Hebrews 12:1) – and of “pursing” and “persevering” in righteousness (c.f. II Timothy 2:22; II Peter 1:5-8).
(5) Fortunately, God promises Christians immediate forgiveness for our sins, and full cleansing from our evil practices, no matter how many times we revert back to our old ways of thinking and living – albeit always upon the condition of confessing our sins and repenting (c.f. Psalm 32:5; I John 1:8-9; Matthew 18:21-22). Hence, when conflicts do arise within our homes, we can be assured our heavenly Father is ready and willing to deal mercifully and graciously with us.
(C) SOME REASONS FOR CONFLICT
(1) Over the next couple of weeks (Lord willing), we are going to address some issues related to conflict in the home. Put two sinners together long enough, and they are going to have conflicts. Bring two fallen creatures together, in an intense and intimate relationship like marriage – and even though they may both be Christians, there are going to be times when they clash and disagree. Then add one or more little sinners, who make no initial pretense about not being completely self-centered, and you have a recipe that guarantees there will be numerous collisions of wills and wants.
Jay Adams said, “the first and most important thing to remember about any home – even a truly Christian home – is that sinners live there.”8 And because sinful people live there – even sinful people who have been redeemed – there are going to be conflicts. Some will be major, some minor – some will be resolved quickly, others won’t – some will be obvious, some will not – some families will have more conflicts than others – but one thing you can “bet the farm” on, is that every family will experience various forms and degrees of conflict!
(2) God’s inspired, infallible word has numerous things to say about WHY interpersonal conflicts occur –as well as HOW we should deal with them when they do.9 However, as we look at some of these passages over the next several weeks, we will be particularly interested in applying what Scripture says about conflict in general to the relationships within our homes, and marriages and families.
(3) Regarding WHY conflicts occur, this morning’s Scripture lesson says (in verse sixteen) that: “where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is DISORDER and every EVIL thing” (c.f. James 3:16). To put it briefly, this tells us that things like “envy”, and “covetousness”, and “selfishness” inevitably lead to “disorder” and discord – whether it be within the halls of government, or at work – in the church, or at home. And unless they are immediately brought under control by confession and repentance, and Spirit-inspired self-discipline, “jealousy” and “selfish ambition” will always lead to turmoil and conflict – whether it’s between two or more politicians, labor and management, brothers and sisters in Christ, or a husband and wife, parents and children, or even between two or more children. “Where(ver) jealousy and selfish ambition exist (even within the home), there (you will also find) disorder and every evil thing” (c.f. James 3:16).
(4) Regarding WHY conflicts occur, this morning’s Scripture lesson also says (in verses one and two): 1“What is THE SOURCE of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not THE SOURCE your pleasures that wage war in your members? 2You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. You are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel …” (c.f. James 4:1-2). Here we’re told (again, in a nutshell) that “lust” and “envy”, and the desire for certain “pleasures”, often lead to “fights and quarrels and conflicts” – not just with people at school, or at work – but also with the people we live with at home (i.e. our spouse, our children, our parents).
The Greek word for “pleasures” (“hedone”) is the equivalent of our English word “hedonism” – and refers to the gratification of sensual, natural, physical desires10 – desires that are often sinful, and meant to be kept under control – desires that are to only be fulfilled (for example) in moderation, or within the bounds of God’s laws, or that which He has ordained (like marriage). Whenever a member of the family is intent on fulfilling some “hedonistic pleasure”, and another member of the family “gets in the way” (as it were), there will be conflict!
The Greek word for “lust” (“epithumeo”) carries the related idea of a strong desire for something11 – especially something that would be harmful – or that God has forbidden. In this regard, I think (for example) of a teenage daughter who desperately wants a certain boy, with a bad reputation, to like her – or a teenage son, who is consumed with the idea of having a physical relationship with his girlfriend – so that, to the degree mom and dad interfere with their son or daughter fulfilling their “lust” (as they should!), there will be conflict within the home.
The Greek word for “envious” (“zeloo”) is the same word used in James 3:16 – and literally means “to boil over”,12 and then to be “furious”.12 Hence, it represents an even stronger desire than the words for “pleasure” and “lust” – for it carries the idea of being a “zealot”,13 or a “fanatic”, or even an “extremist”. Get in the way of a someone “boiling with envy”, and you’re apt to get run over! Frustrate the desire or goal of a “fanatic”, and you have just entered the “conflict-zone”!
(5) Not everything we might call “conflict” is sinful. Some differences are relatively harmless, being simply a matter of taste or personal preference14 – like a wife wanting to vacation in the mountains, while her husband would prefer to go to the ocean – or a daughter wanting the red sweater, when her mother thinks she should get the blue one – or a son liking the Broncos, when his dad is a big Cowboys fan.
However, since we’re fallen creatures, if we’re not careful, some of these otherwise innocuous differences can become the spark that ignites the fires of a major conflict – especially if one persons insists on everyone thinking like they do, or liking what they like, or always agreeing with their opinions and decisions, or always getting their own way.
Ordinarily, however, family members should learn to enjoy and appreciate each other’s unique interests and creativity – their distinctive likes and dislikes – and the overall God-given diversity within their home, without becoming “conflicted”.
Not all differences or conflicts of interest within the family are merely matters of personal taste, without any sinful overtones – but some are. And we should learn to enjoy them, without letting them become sources of real conflict, where sinful words are spoken and sinful actions taken – leading to hurt feelings and broken relationships, resulting in the need for confession of sin and repentance.
(6) Not all conflicts within the home are this benign, of course. As we’ve already seen from our text, many “fights and quarrels” are the direct result of our own sinful motives, that lead to sinful behavior (c.f. James 4:1-2). And though it does not excuse our actions, or take away our personal responsibility, some conflicts can also be attributed to the work of Satan, whose name means “Adversary”15 (c.f. I Peter 5:8) – and who likes nothing better than to see husbands and wives, parents and children, and siblings at odds with each other.16
Satan encourages conflict in many ways. Sometimes he fills our hearts with greed and dishonesty – like he did with Ananias and Sapphira (c.f. Acts 5:1-11). Sometimes he deceives us into thinking that this or that thing will make us happy, when it won’t – because it’s nothing more than a proverbial “broken cistern” (c.f. Jeremiah 2:13). Sometimes he takes advantage of an already sinful (and unresolved) set of circumstances – like when we choose to “let the sun go down on our anger” – and then aggravates the situation (c.f. Ephesians 4:26-27).16
Worst of all, however, Satan often uses false teachers – not just within the church, but also “voices” from within the fallen culture – on television, in the lyrics of popular music, and even political platforms – (he frequently uses false teachers and lying “voices”) to encourage our innate selfishness, which in turn stimulates controversy and conflict (c.f. I Timothy 4:1). Some of the expressions that often reflect Satan’s influence are –
“Look out for number one” (c.f. Philippians 2:3-4) –
“Surely God doesn’t expect me to stay in an unhappy
marriage” (c.f. Malachi 2:16) –
“I’ll forgive you, but I’ll never forget what you did”
(c.f. Psalm 103:12) –
“I don’t deserve to have this happening to me” (c.f.
Luke 17:10) –
“Indulge yourself”17 (c.f. Ephesians 2:3) –
“It’s my money, and I need it now!” (c.f. Philippians
4:11) –
– to mention only a few.18 These, and other contemporary slogans and advertising catchphrases, promote selfishness, self-indulgence, and immediate gratification17 – which, in turn, encourages conflict and discord among families when those self-centered desires aren’t meant. And all the while, Satan laughs.
It would a serious mistake, of course, to blame all our conflicts in the home on Satan. As I said a moment ago, we need take personal responsibility for our own sinful thinking and our own sinful behavior. At the same time, however, we need to remember that Scripture says: 12“our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers (and) powers (and) world forces of … darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places” – and that we need to use 13“the full armor … God” has made available to us, if we are ever going to be able “to resist” these Satanic attacks, and “stand firm” (c.f. Ephesians 6:12-17).
(7) Finally (and this may sound a little strange, even contradictory, given all we’ve said so far this morning), any conflict we go through as Christians should always be regarded as God’s will! I don’t have time to elaborate on this now – but I intend to do so next Sunday, Lord willing (c.f. James 4:13-15). However, I will say that conflict in the home is always God’s will for us, in part, because our understanding of His sovereignty doesn’t allow for anything to happen outside, what we sometimes call, His decretive will19 (which we’ll also talk about more next time, if the Lord permits). I will also say that conflict within our homes is always the Lord’s will because it gives us an opportunity to glorify God, minister to the other members of our family, and grow together in the likeness of Christ, AS WE LEARN HOW to handle these conflicts and resolve them in a biblical manner.20
(8) Until next time, then, I encourage you to reflect on the fact that when conflicts do arise in our homes, our marriages, and our families – instead of pointing an accusing finger at our spouse, or our children, or our parents – instead of automatically assuming we’re right, and they’re wrong – one of the first things we ought to do is look to see if there is any “jealousy” or “selfish ambition”, any “lust” or “envy” in our own heart, that’s helping fuel this particular conflict (c.f. James 3:16; 4:-12).
And if there is, then we need to take advantage of the wonderful provision our Savior has made available to us for cleansing, and forgiveness, and restoration – also known as confessing our sins and repenting (c.f. I John 1:8-9). At the same time, we also need to be studying the Scriptures so we can learn how to confront conflict biblically, and overcome it before it overcomes us. As Scripture says elsewhere: “Do not be overcome by EVIL, but overcome evil with GOOD” (c.f. Romans 12:21).
BIBLIOGRAPHY
1http://www.peroutka2004.com/schedule/index.php?action
=itemview&event_id=388
2http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abraham_Maslow
3http://psikoloji.fisek.com.tr/maslow/self.htm
4http://www.articlecity.com/articles/religion/article_533.shtml
5http://www.modernreformation.org/default.php?page=
articledisplay&var1=ArtRead&var2=383&var3=main
6http://www.fbi.gov/ucr/cius2007/index.html
7http://www.bible.org/page.php?page_id=5023
8Adams: Christian Living in the Home; p. 10.
9Sande: The Peacemaker; p. 24.
10MacArthur: The MacArthur New Testament Commentary;
James; pgs. 186.
11IBID; pgs. 188-189.
12BCS: Strong’s Concordance; Word #2204, #2205, #2206.
13MacArthur: Ibid; p. 189.
14Sande: Ibid; pgs. 24-25.
15BCS: Strong’s Concordance; Word #4567, #7854.
16Sande: Ibid; p. 43.
17http://www.leaderu.com/orgs/probe/docs/slogans.html
18IBID; pgs. 43-44.
19Sproul: Essential Truths of the Christian Faith; p. 69.
20Sande: Ibid; p. 74.