HELP FOR THE HOME
(“The Responsibility For Reconciliation”)
23“Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.” (Matthew 5:23-24)
ONLY PEACE WITH GOD CAN LEAD TO PEACE WITH ONE ANOTHER
(1) One of the Old Testament prophecies we often hear read this time of year comes from Isaiah chapter nine, and says: “For a child will be born to us, a son will be given to us; and the government will rest on His shoulders … His name will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace” (c.f. Isaiah 9:6).
The “child” of whom the inspired prophet (c.f. II Peter 1:21) spoke is Jesus (c.f. John 1:45) – and the “peace” of which Jesus is “Prince” is first and foremost of all “peace with God” (c.f. Romans 5:1). Hence, Scripture says: 17“… He came and preached peace to you who were far away, and peace to those who were near (which are references to Gentiles and Jews respectively); 18for through Him (that is, through Jesus) we both have our access in one Spirit to the Father” (c.f. Ephesians 2:17-18).
(2) Scripture makes it clear that prior to – and apart from – saving faith in Jesus Christ, we are all “enemies of God” (c.f. James 4:4) – which means we are also “enemies of righteousness” (c.f. Acts 13:10), “enemies of the cross” (c.f. Philippians 3:18), and “enemies of the gospel” (c.f. Romans 11:28) – even that same gospel “the angel” declared to shepherds outside Bethlehem (c.f. Luke 2:8-11). In other words, our relationship with God is neither neutral (c.f. Luke 11:23), nor one of indifference. Rather, it is adversarial – we are not friends, but foes – we are not at peace, but at war.
Nor is this a war we have any hope of winning. For in the end, one of two things is going to happen – either we’re going to fall at Jesus’ feet in worship (c.f. Psalm 132:7), or become a footstool for His feet (Psalm 110:1). Christ is either going to be our Savior (c.f. Luke 2:11), or He’s going to be our Judge (c.f. John 5:22). By God’s grace we’re either going to repent of ours sins, and profess saving faith in Christ (c.f. Acts 20:21) – or we’re going to remain lost in our sins, retain our guilt, and be sentenced to “the fiery hell” of which Jesus spoke in this morning’s Scripture lesson (c.f. Matthew 5:22).
(3) In light of these things, then, please don’t make the mistake of assuming you are a Christian just because you are sitting here this morning. Sitting in worship doesn’t make anyone a Christian, any more than sitting in a tree makes you a squirrel. Nor does standing behind this pulpit make me a Christian, any more than standing in a garage would make me a car.
If you cannot ever remember a time when you repented of yours sins and professed faith in Christ, then you need to so. Or, if you know you have never done these things, then you need to do them – because you are still lost in your sins. Jesus Himself said: “repent and believe … the gospel” (c.f. Mark 1:15). Paul summarized the gospel we are to believe when he said: “if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved” (c.f. Romans 10:9). John wrote about the importance of believing IN JESUS, as opposed to just believing in God, when he said: 11“… God has given us eternal life, and this life is IN HIS SON. 12He who HAS THE SON has … life; he who does NOT have the Son of God does NOT have (eternal) life” (c.f. I John 5:11-12).
I (or any one of the other elders of this church) can help you with this matter – all you have to do is ask. But whether you ask or not, you need to make sure you have repented of your sins and professed faith in Christ, because you will never be at peace with God until you do. Nor will you have anything other than a superficial peace with the people around you – including those you are closest to – like the members of your own immediate family.
(4) One of the ways peace with God is supposed to manifest itself in our lives as Christians, is by our striving for peace with our fellow human beings (c.f. Romans 12:18) – not in our own strength, of course, but by that which God graciously supplies (c.f. I Peter 4:11). Hence, Scripture says things like – “Blessed are the peacemakers …” (c.f. Matthew 5:9) – and: “… be at peace with one another” (c.f. Mark 9:50) – and: “… pursue the things which make for peace …” (c.f. Romans 14:19) – and once more: “… Live in peace with one another” (c.f. I Thessalonians 5:13).
Despite numerous commands like these, we learned in an earlier message1 that God’s preceptive will2 is often disobeyed (c.f. Daniel 9:14) – i.e. His laws and commands are often broken. Hence, Scripture not only exhorts us to “pursue peace” (c.f. Hebrews 12:14), it also talks about how to deal with conflicts when they do occur – like in this morning’s text where Jesus says (in part): 23“…if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and … remember that your brother has something against you, 24leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering” (c.f. Matthew 5:23-24).
(5) Even though the immediate context of this morning’s Scripture lesson is not about marriage or the family, the general exhortation still applies. As I pointed out last time,3 when we read through God’s word on a regular basis – keeping an eye out for anything that might have a bearing on the subject of conflict – we will find numerous passages that lay out helpful general doctrines we can apply to any situation, including those we encounter in our homes.
The Book of Proverbs is a gold mine in this regard, saying things like: “… he who restrains his lips is wise” (c.f. Proverbs 10:19) – or, “… the tongue of the wise brings healing” (c.f. Proverbs 12:18) – or, “… the one who opens wide his lips comes to ruin” (c.f. Proverbs 13:3).
This morning, however, we are particularly interested in seeing how Jesus’ words in our text apply to the resolution of conflict in our homes, marriages, and families.
(B) THE CULTURE OF “SELF”
(1) But before we do, I want to point out that perhaps the single greatest contributor to conflict in the home is “self”4 – self-centeredness, self-interests, and self-will (c.f. II Peter 2:10) – self-absorption, self-seeking, and “self-exaltation” (c.f. Jeremiah 48:29) – “self-indulgence” (c.f. Matthew 23:35), “self-love” (c.f. II Timothy 3:2), and just plain old selfishness.
For the purposes of our discussion about conflict in the home, however, it might be best to think in terms of self-protection or self-defense. Not the lawful preservation of life – but rather what Scripture calls, “thinking MORE HIGHLY of ourselves than we ought to think” (c.f. Romans 12:3) – or that “empty conceit”, whereby we judge our own desires and interests to be more important than those of another person (c.f. Philippians 2:3-4) – and therefore, worthy of protecting from anyone whose words or actions might be perceived as a threat to their fulfillment. This would include the members of our own family – even our husband, or wife.
We’re talking, of course, about what Scripture calls “the old self” – with its “corrupt, evil practices” (c.f. Ephesians 4:22; Colossians 3:9). Even the same “self” that was “crucified with (Christ)”, so that we might “no longer be slaves to sin” (c.f. Romans 6:6). And yet, this “old self” often raises its ugly head whenever we feel threatened by what another family member has said or done – which often results in us saying or doing things that add to or intensify the conflict, instead of defusing or resolving it (c.f. I Peter 3:8-9).
(2) Scripture says that as fallen, sinful creatures we are “lovers of self” by nature (c.f. II Timothy 3:2). And since that’s the case, we shouldn’t be surprised when our culture encourages or even justifies self-centeredness.5
From cars to clothes – cologne to chicken – businesses spend billions of dollars every year advertising their products. What’s more, we can be pretty sure they wouldn’t be spending all that money if they didn’t have some data that has convinced them it really does help sell their merchandise.
My point, however, is that many of the slogans advertisers come up with are specifically written with the “culture of self” in mind – in other words, they are deliberately designed to appeal to our natural love of self. Hence, one familiar slogan said: “YOU DESERVE a break today” (McDonald’s)6 – another says: “It’s YOUR money, use it when YOU need it!” (J. G. Wentworth)7 – while still another claims to have, “The power to help YOU succeed” (Pacific Life Insurance).8
(3) Unfortunately, this “culture of self” has found it’s way into the church – just as biblical writers said it would (c.f. II Peter 2:1-3; Jude 1:4). Some of the most popular preachers of our day are essentially proclaiming a Christless gospel – a “gospel” of inner-(pseudo) peace, based on the “sand” (c.f. Matthew 7:26-27) of material prosperity and self-fulfillment.
We’re even told that self-love is a good thing – based, in part, on a misinterpretation of Jesus’ words in Matthew chapter twenty-two, where He said: “You shall love your neighbor AS YOURSELF” (c.f. Matthew 22:39) – the argument being that before we can love others, we have to love ourselves. Some even claim Jesus actually commands us to love ourselves in this verse.5
However, Jay Adams points out that there is no command in Scripture to love ourselves – in Matthew chapter twenty-two, or anywhere else. On the contrary, the underlying assumption of Jesus’ command to “love our neighbor as ourselves” is that we already love ourselves (Paul gives a similar command in Ephesians chapter five, regarding a husband’s love for his wife – see Ephesians 5:28-29) – hence, the phrase could be translated, “You shall love your neighbor as you already love yourself”.5
Besides, Jesus went on to say that: “On these TWO commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets” (c.f. Matthew 22:40) – thereby making it clear there are only TWO commands in this passage (i.e. love God, and love your neighbor), NOT three9 (with the third one being, love yourself).
On the contrary, in three of the four gospels Jesus said the only right way to follow Him is by “DENYING ourselves” (c.f. Matthew 16:24; Mark 8:34; Luke 9:23) – not exalting ourselves, or focusing on ourselves. Likewise, the Apostle Paul said that (by God’s grace) true “salvation” will result in us learning how to “… DENY ungodliness and worldly desires and … (to) live sensibly, righteously and godly in the present age”, instead (c.f. Titus 2:11-12).
(4) So again I say that, one of the greatest contributors to conflict in our homes, our families, and our marriages is “self”. What’s more, it’s also one the greatest stumbling blocks to pursuing reconciliation and resolving conflicts that do arise, in a biblical manner.
Hence, if we find that we are more interested in avoiding conflict at any cost3 – either by denying there’s a problem, or capitulating, or running away10 – rather than trying to resolve the issues that caused the conflict in the first place – then there’s a real good chance we are being motivated by “self”.
Or, if we are more interested in winning the argument11 – without regard to what “winning” may do to our relationship with the other person – it’s likely that we are being motivated by “self”. If the LAST thing on our mind (whenever conflict arises) is glorifying God, helping the other person, or growing in the likeness of Christ – we can be pretty sure it’s because “self” has regained the upper hand in our heart.
As we turn to our text, then – remember that “self” is not just the biggest hindrance to maintaining peace – it’s also one of the biggest stumbling blocks to restoring peace.
(C) THE ONUS IS ALWAYS “ON US”
(1) There are several lessons to be drawn from this morning’s Scripture passage and text (c.f. Matthew 5:21-24) – (a) like the fact that the Sixth Commandment regarding “murder” (c.f. Exodus 20:13) applies too much more than taking another person’s life. It also encompasses things like “anger” and hatred – even abusive speech, and calling someone a “fool” (c.f. Matthew 5:22) (or some other derogatory name). Unfortunately, these are all things that sometimes take place in our homes.
Larger Catechism Question #136 asks: “What are the sins forbidden in the sixth commandment?” – and part of the answer given says: “The sins forbidden … are … sinful anger, hatred … (a) desire for revenge; all excessive passions … PROVOKING words … (and) quarreling …”12
Whenever these kinds of sinful things take place in our homes, we need to confess them as quickly as possible (to our Savior, and to each other) – and then do everything we can to heal the breach that has occurred as a result.
(b) Another lesson teaches us that unresolved conflicts with each other can (and do) often have a negative impact on our relationship with our Heavenly Father – which, in turn, makes even our worship unacceptable to Him. Hence, the exhortation to “leave our offering at the altar and go be reconciled to our brother first” (c.f. Matthew 5:23-24) (or maybe our spouse, or our parents, or our children).
Scripture speaks, in several places, about how our sinful words and actions can affect the acceptability of our worship. For example, in the Book of Isaiah God says: 11“‘What are your multiplied sacrifices to Me? … I have had enough of burnt offerings of rams … I take no pleasure in the blood of bulls, lambs or goats (which were all things God Himself had prescribed) … 13Bring your worthless offerings no longer, incense is an abomination to Me. New moon and sabbath, the calling of assemblies – I CANNOT ENDURE INQUITY AND THE SOLEMN ASSEMBLY … 15when you spread out your hands in prayer, I will hide My eyes from you …” Finally He gets to the “remedy” for this separation, saying: 16Wash yourselves, make yourselves clean; remove the evil of your deeds from My sight. Cease to do evil, 17learn to do good …” (c.f. Isaiah 1:11-17) – one of the implications being that then their worship would be pleasing to Him.
Likewise, in the Book of Jeremiah God says: 9“Will you steal, MURDER, and commit adultery and swear falsely … offer sacrifices to Baal and walk after other gods … 10then come and stand before Me in this house, which is called by My name …?” (c.f. Jeremiah 7:9-10). Obviously the Lord found such worship extremely offensive, and therefore unacceptable.
The Apostle John wrote: 20“If someone says, ‘I love God,’ and HATES his brother, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen. 21And this commandment we have from Him, that the one who loves God should love his brother also” (c.f. I John 4:20-21) – and of course, if we really do love our brother, we will want to do everything we can (by Christ’s enabling grace) to be reconciled to him, should we become separated by conflict (c.f. Romans 12:18).
What’s more, if this is true in a general sense – that is, with people at work, or at school, or in the neighborhood – how much more should it be true of our relationships with our spouse, and our children, and our parents?! How much more should we want to resolve any conflicts that arise in our home as quickly as possible – before it impacts our relationship with our Savior (see Matthew 6:14-15), and makes our worship of Him hypocritical, offensive, and unacceptable?!
(2) There are other lessons that could be drawn from this morning’s Scripture passage and text – but the one I want to focus your attention on in particular has to do with this question: whose responsibility is it to initiate reconciliation? When conflict occurs in our homes – when anger drives the proverbial wedge between a husband and wife – when harsh words or sinful behavior create a breach between us and our children, or us and our mom and dad – whose responsibility is it to take the first steps toward restoring that relationship?
(a) At least one writer says, “the one who initiates the reconciliation here (i.e. in this morning’s text) is the one who has wronged the other person.”13
If we KNOW we have wronged someone – if we KNOW our words have sparked a conflict – if we KNOW our actions have hurt or offended another person in our family – then we certainly have an obligation before God to go, and try and reconcile, and make things right. This may turn out to be a very humbling experience – but we need to “go” (c.f. Matthew 5:24). It may not be what we want to do – but we still need to “go”, in obedience to our Savior’s command. We may have convinced ourselves that the other person is at least as responsible for the conflict as we are – but even if that’s true, WE need to “go”.
(b) Having said that, however, I think the application is too narrow – IF it means that in every conflict, the guilty party (or the most guilty party – which would always be the “other” guy, right?) is the only one who should initiate reconciliation – while the person who was offended (or who is the least guilty) gets to sit and wait for the other individual to make the first move.
Is that what God did for us? Is that what we celebrate every Christmas (c.f. Luke 2:11)? God was certainly the offended party – but did He sit back and wait for us to take the first steps toward reconciliation? We are clearly the offenders – nor are we simply more at fault than He is – rather, we are the ONLY ones who are guilty of causing this separation between ourselves and Him. But, that being said, did God leave it up to us to decide whether or not we would seek peace with Him?
You know the answer! Scripture says: “… WHILE WE WERE YET SINNERS, Christ died for us” (c.f. Romans 5:8) – and again: “… WHILE WE WERE ENEMIES we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son …” (c.f. Romans 5:10) – and once more: “… GOD … RECONCILED US TO HIMSELF through Christ …” (c.f. II Corinthians 5:18).
(c) These and other passages of Scripture tell us that God (who was the offended party) took the initiative to reconcile us to Himself. That God the Father, who did not contribute in any way to the separation that took place between Himself and sinful people like ourselves, has not only taken the first step, He has also taken all the other steps necessary to save His elect people, and bring us into eternal fellowship with Himself.
Jesus once said: “No one can come to Me UNLESS THE FATHER who sent Me DRAWS HIM …” (c.f. John 6:44). Through the prophet Ezekiel, God said: 19“… I WILL take the heart of stone out of their flesh and GIVE them a heart of flesh, 20that they may walk in My statutes and keep My ordinances and do them. Then they will be My people, and I shall be their God” (c.f. Ezekiel 11:19-20). Pastor Joe recently explained to us in Sunday school how God alone passed between the sacrificed animal pieces in Genesis chapter fifteen – thereby signifying that He was taking FULL responsibility for establishing, AND bringing to pass, ALL the conditions of the covenant He made with Abraham and his descendants (which includes all those who know Christ as Savior – see Galatians 3:6-9).
(d) I could go on with more examples like these – but the point is this: “if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another” (c.f. I John 4:11). If God has so forgiven us, we ought to forgive one another (c.f. Ephesians 4:32). If God, the offended party, took the initiative to reconcile us to Himself, shouldn’t you and I take the initiative to “go” and “be reconciled to (our) brother” (c.f. Matthew 5:24) – to our husband, or wife – to our son, or daughter – to our father, or mother – regardless of whether we are the offender or the offended?
To put it another way – the onus is always “on us” – the duty or obligation to “go” (c.f. Matthew 5:24) and initiate reconciliation is always ours. It may involve taking our share of the blame – or it may involve confessing our own sin, and asking the other person to forgive us. Or (if we really are innocent), it may involve trying to lovingly help the other person see (or own up to) their sin against us – not because we need closure or redress, but because we are genuinely interested in the spiritual welfare of our brother, knowing that unconfessed sin will be a barrier to his fellowship with Christ.
(e) None of this comes naturally to any of us – even as Christians. If you are like me, you would rather ignore conflict than confront it. Many would rather wait for the other person to take the initiative with us, rather than take the initiative with them. Most of us would rather wait for the other person to admit they were wrong, before we admit we were. Moreover, this hesitancy is not only true of our relationship with people at work, or school – but also of our relationship with the people in our own home – our husband, or wife – our son, or daughter – our father or mother.
Only God’s grace can help us overcome our natural, sinful tendency to do nothing – or to wait for the other person to take the first step. With that in mind, then, I remind you of the passage in Hebrews chapter four that says: “let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find GRACE TO HELP in time of need” (c.f. Hebrews 4:16).
Since we already possess peace with God, thanks to Christ’s work on the cross (c.f. Romans 5:1) – let us strive (by His enabling grace) for peace in our homes.
BIBLIOGRAPHY
1http://www.wpcpca.org/Archive/11-30-08-am.html
2Sproul: Essentials Truths of the Christian Faith; p. 69.
3http://www.wpcpca.org/Archive/12-07-08-am.html
4Adams: Solving Marriage Problems; pgs. 45-46.
5IBID; p. 46.
6http://adage.com/century/jingles.html
7http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AgUG9IWe6L4
8http://www.quotations.me.uk/company-slogans/company
-slogan-09.htm
9Adams: Ibid; p. 47.
10Sande: The Peacemaker; p. 18.
11IBID; p. 19.
12The Westminster Larger Catechism: Question #136.
13English Standard Version Study Bible: Footnote on
Matthew 5:23-24; p. 1829.